SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
