So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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