im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
