I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
