i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
