I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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