i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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