Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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