saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
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