We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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