He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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