My room smells like vodka and shame
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
