You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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