It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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