God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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