There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
