I think my fart just growled at me.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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