when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
