I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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