is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
be right there i have to get my cape
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
