he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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