last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
