I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
