you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
