Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
