dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
