I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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