He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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