this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
