Four minutes until I can fart!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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