I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
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