I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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