And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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