Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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