sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Sober January is a disaster.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
