Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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