And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
