I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
