So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
