every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
