This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
