Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
