it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
