im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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