4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
