I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
