Kiss
Puke
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
