I want to stick my p in your. b.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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