I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
