I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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