you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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