third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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