Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
